Kandi’s Greatest Hits!
This post was initially run November 25, 2017. I am rerunning it now because I think it’s a cute story and will help many see what they have done is not at all uncommon.
Before there was Kandi, there was a person who fought the urge to wear women’s clothing. This battle raged on for almost 50 years. This person never completely presented as a woman. A wig and makeup were not part of the equation. Shaving, body and face, was not a consideration. It was just putting on the clothing and wearing them as long as possible (often not very long) until the guilt took over.
I did get a thrill out of shopping. Obviously, this was always done in male mode. In hindsight, I was absolutely ridiculous. I would case a store like a jewel thief! Where were the items I wanted? How could I scoop them up and get checked out as quickly as possible. Did the store have self-checkout?
I am not sure exactly when, but it had to be about 10 years ago I found myself home alone for about three days. Opportunity! I began assembling the necessary pieces. I hit a Walmart, picking up some jewelry, a bra, panties, a slip and pantyhose. Now I needed a dress. I cased a Marshall’s, noting where the clearance dresses hung. Made sure I knew the path to a quick checkout. This was in June, so the Easter dresses that hadn’t sold were on clearance. I estimated that I was a size 16 based on some sizing charts I had read in a catalog. In I moved, progressing quickly to the clearance racks, finding the 16s and there it was. A beautiful Maggie London floral dress. It was yellow with pastel colored flowers. A V neck with a zipper down the side. Knee length. The price looked good, so I slipped the dress off the hangar and went to check out. I still remember the lovely young lady cashier complemented me on the dress. I smiled and nodded, too embarrassed to engage her in conversation. (Now I would effortless engage her, probably telling here where I planned on wearing it, the shoes and purse I had chosen to go along with it!). I tucked the bag under my arm and headed home.
My first dress! MY dress. It was mine. Now this wasn’t the first dress I ever wore (far from it), but it was the first dress I ever owned. I put everything on and, as always, the guilt ruined my evening. I immediately began planning how to dispose of everything, like it was toxic waste. What a shame. What a shame to toss such a pretty dress. What a shame to be embarrassed of myself. What a shame that this is even an issue. What a shame. There were many, many shopping trips like this one. Many, many purges like this as well. My very first purchase of any kind was on a business trip to San Diego. A JC Penney store where I purchased a bra, panties, slip and hose, all black. Now remember, I am clear across the country, no one knows me and I am in a hotel room, door closed and locked. Put everything on for about 5 minutes and then packed it all up and disposed of everything in a dumpster on the campus of San Diego State University. I felt stupid the entire remainder of the day.
Life is an ongoing lesson for us all. I learn each and every time out what a truly wonderful world we live in. I meet people and have experiences I never could have imagined. I shake my head at how hard I fought this, how I allowed it to taint my world view, at some of the downright stupid things I did to try to counter balance these feelings. Who am I, who was I, hurting? No one but myself. I urge you to find the best way to love yourself and everything else will open up for you.
Boy did I love that beautiful Maggie London dress! I wish I still had it.