I have to say, my significant experiences out in the world are becoming frustrating. Time after time, person after person, an honest look into my eyes, one person after another telling me this or that, nothing ever comes of it. I have become marginalized. I am truly often considered a non-person. Not intentionally, not derisively, but that generally ends up being the outcome. It’s like a have no feelings, just tell her something nice and she’ll go away.

I am aware this is treading old ground. I am aware you, my beloved readers, prefer my uplifting stories. This isn’t one of those. This is me being real. I am by no means down. Please don’t worry about me with that regard. Writing something almost every day forces me to sometimes be introspective. Yesterday’s post was me shining a light on something great in my life. This post is just me coming to terms with the reality of me being me.

As you know, I am trying to reinvent myself. And I understand I am not “the usual” or “the norm” out there. If people were simply kind and smiled, I would be happy with that. But they say things, make offers, ask me to follow up, give me their contact information. And you know what? NOTHING ever happens. I give, I rarely get. “You should come to my birthday party.” “We’d like you to join the board.” “I am happy to make an introduction.” “We should get dressed up and go out.” Almost always complete and utter BS. I’ve heard these and many, many more. I have a litany of e-mail addresses and cell numbers people willingly gave me and when I have followed up, nothing…….

I am a 100% open and honest person. I have deep flaws and personal baggage. I do nothing to hide them and usually make sure they are known. Last I checked, only one person walked this Earth without sin or mistakes and He was crucified. I follow-up. I don’t sit idly by waiting for something to happen. Yet time after time, I am ignored. I would love someone to say NO. At least that would offer closure.

Some will think I am feeling sorry for myself, acting pitifully. The truth is one has to be honest with themselves about their place in the world. I freely admit, “it’s not you, it’s me”. What other conclusion could I draw. This isn’t a one-off thing, it’s time after time, year after year, different circumstance after different circumstance. Giving in this world does not always equate to getting. It rarely does.

If even 25% of the things people tell me they would like me to participate in came true, this blog and my life would be unbelievable. I know and understand that I am at the very bottom of the societal totem pole. I am not delusional about being out there, having done it hundreds and hundreds of times, meeting thousands and thousands of people. Men and women, gay and straight, those with similar gender issues, old and young, regular Janes and Joes, all kind of people in all types of situations, while doing charitable work, at parties, networking events, bars, in the general public, anywhere and everywhere.

Yes, I remain blessed as discussed yesterday. Good and even great things do continue to happen. But it’s almost always at my impetus. Just be honest with me. I don’t need nor do I want fake sympathy or phony interest. I want to live in a world with common courtesy and honesty. I guess that world doesn’t exist (okay, I know it doesn’t exist). I won’t be deterred in plowing forward because when I get what I want, it will be truly special. What I don’t want is to be marginalized. I am venting here. Allow me to blow off steam once in awhile. My thought process about where I go and what I do is ever changing and these realities will now be factored in.

Blessed, absolutely I am. Treated with respect? Not always. No disrespect, just no real consideration for my being flesh and blood.

Just being real……. Am I accepted? Yes. Am I valued? Sure. Am I worth that extra step, worthy of a helping hand? Apparently not.

10 thoughts on “Marginalized

  1. This is a tough post to comment about. I do not think that it is you. In general parlance people one meets make perfunctory offers that have no meaning or intent behind them or if there is any meaning it lacks sincerity and it tends to be little more than idle conversation. I would not take it personally. Just take things as they come and do not let your expectations rise. Much of what people say lacks backing. It is just conversation fillers and perhaps it makes them feel like a bigger person.
    It is true, we are marginalized. We are, to a certain extent, not real people. Pat is not my real name. Kandi is not yours. I am not Pat most of the time but I do use that name on line and when I do get out. People know I am not really Pat and they do sense that Kandi is only a part of you. They also can reflect on the fact that getting involved with someone with two identities brings a bit of baggage that they do not feel a need to sign onto.
    I suggest you keep on doing what you do. Have fun. Get out and keep on smiling.


    1. Nothing is going to change with regard to my general positive overall outlook, but when I consider the frequency of these occurrences, time after time, place after place, different person after different person, a definite trend has established itself.


      1. There is another CD I communicate with. Look for a blog Life of Louise or Cute Louise. She refers to the marginalization as the ‘wheel chair effect’. People are curious about us and do not want to appear patronizing. they want to appear hip and accepting of us and they may effuse in a less than sincere manner. It makes them feel better.
        It would be nice to see some follow up.
        Take care


  2. Kandi & Pat,

    understand to a small degree the up and down feelings of the encouraging comments which make you feel hopeful then the slow left down as no follow-up FOLLOWS. Been their fortunately it was only for three months. Then a person I had barely known put my name forward to his employer. In another instance some six years prior, I had met another gentleman for a say or two we were tangetley involved in a ten-day project and he apparently he remembered me and one day as I was finishing a longer project he called me and offered me a dream job. It was a rare and unique position and he thought I had the skills and flexibility to handle it including managing a 100 plus very diverse team. I was pleasantly surprised because I had never anticipated such an opportunity. I immediately said Yes and all of a sudden a whole new horizon opened up. I tell these two stories because you never know when your star will be spotted and off you go. Do not give up and continue to cultivate new friends and do your best. Someone will see it.

    Marie Anne


  3. Humans for the most part live their lives within a set of structures; societal structures (family, religion, marriage, gay, straight, et cetera) governmental structures (councilmen, mayors, senators, tax auditors et cetera) economic structures (corporate, non-profit, LLC, et cetera) and biological structures (tall, short, large, small, old, young, et cetera). Except for the biological portion humans have created, made up, the complex structures that are used to control, regulate, guide our collective lives and interactions.

    There are some humans who are able, and do choose, to step outside of some, or many, of these structures. Living ‘off the grid’ for example. Living without being connected to the electric company’s power system, without using cable tv, or a cell phone. ‘Alternative’ lifestyles, ‘alternative’ people is how they are often described.

    As a long time daily reader of your thoughtful observations I know that you have a grounded, realistic, understanding of the world around us, in particular as it exists here in mid-west America. The world around us, in Cleveland, in Ohio, is one that is embedded in a very conservative and self preserving set of structures. In terms of individuals who have cross dressing as a part of their life the structures around us are not easily mated, aligned, integrated, with our desired expressive mode, our desired presentation. We, of course, like any reasonable people, want to go about our lives in honest, comfortable, and enjoyable ways. The entirely harmless (to others) activity of cross dressing clearly sits in a misaligned condition with regard to generally accepted societal structures. We are oddities, without question. Even as more media attention is given to gender ideas and issues today and even when it seems perfectly obvious that these issues and ideas have always been a part of human life there is still broad misunderstanding and broad prejudice.

    As a cross dresser I know that even though there are a many many people who share this activity, this enjoyment of an alternative existence and presentation, I am an oddity and I am marginalized because of that.

    There are a great many things about the human world that I do not like, that I reject as untrue or stupid. You do not have to look far to find examples. I believe that many societal structures and the ideas upon which they are based, are stupid and sometimes destructive. (I would give examples but that would drag this into politics and religion) I try to build a coherent and enjoyable life in which truth, honesty, generosity, dedication, and support for others play defining roles.

    As a cross dressing person I am pained to acknowledge that I will not be able to move about in society as I wish I could. Yes, as you, Kandi fabulously demonstrate, you, we, can physically move about in relative safety, (if we are careful) but no, we are not fully able to be involved, integrated, in the world a it still does not accept so many alternative things.

    We keep rolling on. Enjoy every day as much as possible.
    Best to you,
    Marissa in Ohio


    1. This and the other comments are exactly what I had hoped to generate. Thanks Marissa for checking in! But this is what puzzles me and I experienced it yet again the other day. Talk to me, be nice, engage me, all great. But why even make a promise you have zero interest in keeping? Don’t say “let’s do this”, just say “it was a pleasure meeting you.” That’s what I don’t understand and it happens so many time, with so many different people with regard to so many disparate and different things. It’s just odd, I guess.


      1. I think you are missing one piece, potentially genuine piece, in your experiences. It sounds likely that in the moment your genuineness disarms and encourages others to open up to the fun, freedom and honesty that you live. Not a conscious thing…just a release, an opening up of a window of life lived fully.

        Unfortunately, outside of the moment, routine and Marissa’s description of structures silently dominate. To overcome the inertia of routine and structure requires significant effort and one’s confidence, self esteem, potentially social standing, are challenged. Self doubt dominates even while their encounter with you may have left a lasting memory.

        Perhaps what you describe is a lack of sincerity in the moment? Perhaps it is similar to “southern pleasantness” where the social rules dictate that not all “we should” requests are genuine, but that doesn’t seem to hold true in the midwest, certainly not to the same degree. No, I suspect the moment is real and weakness prevents the follow through. Keep being you!!

        Love your blog, Kandi!



      2. Thank you Brittany! I absolutely love throwing an observation out there and getting such great feedback. My viewpoint is just that, my viewpoint and it is so helpful to get different sets of eyes on things. Keep reading!!


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