I have to say, my significant experiences out in the world are becoming frustrating. Time after time, person after person, an honest look into my eyes, one person after another telling me this or that, nothing ever comes of it. I have become marginalized. I am truly often considered a non-person. Not intentionally, not derisively, but that generally ends up being the outcome. It’s like a have no feelings, just tell her something nice and she’ll go away.
I am aware this is treading old ground. I am aware you, my beloved readers, prefer my uplifting stories. This isn’t one of those. This is me being real. I am by no means down. Please don’t worry about me with that regard. Writing something almost every day forces me to sometimes be introspective. Yesterday’s post was me shining a light on something great in my life. This post is just me coming to terms with the reality of me being me.
As you know, I am trying to reinvent myself. And I understand I am not “the usual” or “the norm” out there. If people were simply kind and smiled, I would be happy with that. But they say things, make offers, ask me to follow up, give me their contact information. And you know what? NOTHING ever happens. I give, I rarely get. “You should come to my birthday party.” “We’d like you to join the board.” “I am happy to make an introduction.” “We should get dressed up and go out.” Almost always complete and utter BS. I’ve heard these and many, many more. I have a litany of e-mail addresses and cell numbers people willingly gave me and when I have followed up, nothing…….
I am a 100% open and honest person. I have deep flaws and personal baggage. I do nothing to hide them and usually make sure they are known. Last I checked, only one person walked this Earth without sin or mistakes and He was crucified. I follow-up. I don’t sit idly by waiting for something to happen. Yet time after time, I am ignored. I would love someone to say NO. At least that would offer closure.
Some will think I am feeling sorry for myself, acting pitifully. The truth is one has to be honest with themselves about their place in the world. I freely admit, “it’s not you, it’s me”. What other conclusion could I draw. This isn’t a one-off thing, it’s time after time, year after year, different circumstance after different circumstance. Giving in this world does not always equate to getting. It rarely does.
If even 25% of the things people tell me they would like me to participate in came true, this blog and my life would be unbelievable. I know and understand that I am at the very bottom of the societal totem pole. I am not delusional about being out there, having done it hundreds and hundreds of times, meeting thousands and thousands of people. Men and women, gay and straight, those with similar gender issues, old and young, regular Janes and Joes, all kind of people in all types of situations, while doing charitable work, at parties, networking events, bars, in the general public, anywhere and everywhere.
Yes, I remain blessed as discussed yesterday. Good and even great things do continue to happen. But it’s almost always at my impetus. Just be honest with me. I don’t need nor do I want fake sympathy or phony interest. I want to live in a world with common courtesy and honesty. I guess that world doesn’t exist (okay, I know it doesn’t exist). I won’t be deterred in plowing forward because when I get what I want, it will be truly special. What I don’t want is to be marginalized. I am venting here. Allow me to blow off steam once in awhile. My thought process about where I go and what I do is ever changing and these realities will now be factored in.
Blessed, absolutely I am. Treated with respect? Not always. No disrespect, just no real consideration for my being flesh and blood.
Just being real……. Am I accepted? Yes. Am I valued? Sure. Am I worth that extra step, worthy of a helping hand? Apparently not.