Let’s take another look at these thoughts…….
Despite the fact that I have done this time and again, safely and joyfully and my wife has no issue with it, I still have my moments. Many different types of moments.
There are the moments that I wish it would all go away. I sometimes get that “what’s wrong with me” moment. Many of those moments are principally due to the secrecy associated with having two different and distinct personas. There are times I just want to share Kandi with someone but cannot. The downside risk in being completely open with those that knew me “when” remains too great. It’s just a simple fact. Plus, not being able to explain it, even to myself, makes the inevitable conversations difficult. This is just who I am doesn’t seem to cut it for me.
Also doing this in the fashion that I do has lead to great sacrifices. It takes so much time that I no longer do things I used to enjoy. I can barely get through a book anymore. I rarely watch television, which used to be a good thing. But with the ability to stream educational and interesting programming, I wish I could have some time to relax and enjoy things. This is partly a Kandi issue and partly a me issue as I don’t do nothing very well.
There are the moments that I never want to let this go, want it to be me all the time. Allow me to clarify a bit, I never would want to become a woman. But the truth of the matter is dressing daily, either to the nines or casually, appeals to me. Making certain changes to my body, like piercing my ears, keeping my nails painted all the time, appeals to me. Yes, I am aware I absolutely can do those things, but the can of worms for me is too great. The questions would be too many, too often.
There are moments I am completely happy in my male skin. When home with my wife and/or children (grown), I am completely at ease in my role as husband and father. Recently I ran a 5K and quite a few of my running friends were there. That doesn’t always happen as we all run on different schedules and/or different races. This race happened to be the only race in town that day and I had a ball. I ran well, competed strongly, enjoyed hanging with my friends, was happy to be the man that I am. Given the introspection this blog requires, I actually thought about that as I drove home. I love being Dad, “Honey”, Son, Brother, friend, competitor, landscaper, chef, worker and all the other male roles, “me” roles in my life.
There are moments I am thrilled to be a woman. I had some alone time during a recent Kandi shutdown to assemble eight outfits for a number of holiday events I worked and/or attended last year. I worked each outfit up from top to bottom, vetting my foundation wear, accessories, shoes, purse and of course the outfits themselves. I literally had moments that took my breath away. Moments that teared me up a bit. Moments of such bliss I cannot describe and do not, nor cannot, exist like that in my male life. There is a layer of emotions that being a woman allows me to tap into, that simply does not exist or is buried deep as a man.
There are moments I wish I were not wired the way I am. Difficulties from this past year or so still has me reeling a bit. Things are moving in a positive direction, but the set backs it caused will resonate for the balance of my life. I am wired to be a provider and feel like I am doing a poor job of that as it relates to our future, our “senior” years. We all face mortality as we age. I see friends and peers retiring and am frankly, jealous. That will not happen for me. Now I also have friends and peers that are in the same boat as I am. Please understand, I am not crying poor. I have it better than most, just not enough to live on for what I hope is many, many years to come.
There are moments I am completely satisfied with my so-called career and moments I wish I had the ability to figure out a way to generate income doing something I actually love and better yet, in the service of others. I wrote this as I sat in a McDonalds, sipping coffee, killing some downtime before my next pick up and delivery. I had elderly people sitting behind me who think they are sitting at their kitchen table, trying to solve a health care issue with their insurance company, blasting a telephone conversation on the speaker phone…..in McDonalds. In this moment, this post came to me and I needed to put it down on “paper” so to speak. I was having a moment.
I guess I have moments when I realize I am human and as such, we all have moments.
As I sat here when originally writing this post, I was fighting the urge (which for me is very unusual) to purchase a dress on-line that I stumbled across (the red polka dot number worn to an art museum party last Christmas season). I resisted for a few days, but my resolve weakened. I never buy anything (unless that it the only way to acquire some thing specific) on-line. I do mean never. And it’s not like I need yet another dress. The shopping bug had honestly left me, but this dress, I am having a moment….
Moments, good and bad, memorable and routine, meaningful and run-of-the-mill, life changing and life affirming, loving and anxiety ridden, stressful and blissful, moments……. we all have them.