What It Was/What It Is

Some past thoughts, updated a bit.

What It Was:  Disgust.  Guilt.  Self-hate.  A compulsion.  Anxiety.  Almost 50 years of struggle.  Stupidity.  Horrendous “outfits”.  Hair, all over.  A crappy mustache.  The complete avoidance of photographs.  Certainly never smiling in pictures.  Never, not one single time (and there were many) enjoying “it”.  Denial.

Waste.  Delusion.  Illogic.  Headaches.  Too many drinks.  Too much to eat.  An inability to properly love.  A negative outlook.  Always looking for the cloud.  Excuses.  Frustration.  A ratty appearance.

What It Is:  Joy.  Comfort.  Happiness.  Acceptance.  Uniqueness.  Better than it was before.  That feeling…..  Pride, in myself, in those that, without thought, accept me.  Surprise.  An outfit well assembled.  A cute dress.  A genuine complement.  Hugs!  Hugs!  Hugs!

A natural smile.  Being one of the girls.  “Hello ladies!”.  The opportunity to explain myself.  Giving to others.  Love.  Being loved.  Loving that!  A positive mental outlook (even of late).  Finding the silver lining.  A massive wardrobe.  Friends, different friends, many friends.  Open-mindedness.  Getting it done.  People I never dreamed would welcome, accept me.  Doing things I never imagined.  Wedding dresses.  Being pretty.  Feeling pretty.

Continually evolving. Becoming known. Being both a real person and a complete fake. A real sense of what I like and what I don’t like. Everything slowing down, no longer getting that “oh my gosh, I am actually doing this” feeling because I actually do this. Friends I am blessed to know. “Friends” that have disappointed me. This place, where I can speak my mind, maybe help a bit, vent, show off. Slowly, very slowly, being seen as an asset to the community.

For me what is was right after my self-acceptance is different than what this is right now, which will continue to change, both in good and bad ways. I guess that’s because this is part of my life, part of life, is life. My life. Once you think you have it figured out, something will throw you for a loop. No one can understand what is like to be me, just like I cannot understand what is like to be you. Not only is our world’s filled with different variables, how we view the world and most importantly how we process that view, shapes us.

Don’t be as foolish as I was.  Yes, I had and have so many blessings in my life.  But I had that pall hanging over me.  It wasn’t there all the time, but it was never too far away.  Once all the distractions (good ones for sure, but distractions from the elephant in the room) were gone, that elephant began stomping on my head and I succumbed.  But you know what, that elephant ain’t so bad!

4 thoughts on “What It Was/What It Is

  1. OMG Kandi you have nailed this one! Been through the first two paragraphs, and so totally identify with the rest. Having GF’s who accept us as us is so awesome. I would add one thing to your list – accepting my femme self has made me more empathetic and I think a better person. We should all take your last paragraph to heart. For me, the elephant is more like Dumbo!


  2. A very well written piece showing the contrast that acceptance of this aspect of who we are can make in a person’s live. It is soothing and calming to feel complete. Sensing an absence of completeness can be painful


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