The Fragility of Connections (With Others Like Me)

Saturday rerun fun!

I interact with many.  Comments here on the blog.  Direct e-mails.  And of course, relationships in real life.  I have been blessed to be able to spend time with a few wonderful ladies I met online.  Now four years [five now] into being out and about, one thing I have found (at least with me).  Relationships I foster as Kandi don’t last long.  There are many reasons for that, principally the inherent life of a crossdresser.  While I am out and about, proudly and frequently, there are many, many in my life that have no idea and I want to keep it that way for various reasons.

I have friends that I did many things with, both other CD/TGs and GGs.  For one reason or another, we drift apart.  Such is the life of someone like myself with two personas.  Many I connected with simply have disappeared.  Gone, never to be heard from again.  That could be for many reasons.  Illness, God forbid death or more likely their non-CD life has taken over.  Maybe they are trying to break or manage these urges or needs (been there).  Also, as many of us move down this road, what it means to us changes dramatically.  Some transition.  Some mature or have different interest when dressed.  We literally go through the stages any girl/woman goes through, just on an accelerated pace.  I can see my “puberty”, my being a “young lady” and me now being and acting as a mature woman.  Who knows?  But that is all a part of it.

Now because of the time I spend on this blog, my means of being of some service to our community and my desire to not overdo my time online, I generally do not initiate communication.  But I always respond, thoughtfully and with compassion.  I do whatever I can to help and support.  But sometimes, it’s not perceived to be enough.

Recently I was contacted by someone (I’ll leave the details out in respect to her) and I always responded, answered questions and offered whatever support I could.  I was responsive, kind and understanding in my responses.  Then one day, she sent me an e-mail telling me she didn’t want me to think she had forgotten about me.  In an attempt to be very honest, knowing that many, many relationships that I have fostered simply vanished, I responded to her as follows:

“Please don’t take this the wrong way.  Whether you keep in touch or not has no impact on me.  Because of who and what we are, because we do not know each other in the real world and because I am busy with my life and my blog, I never keep in touch with anyone.  There are girls I have interacted with that just disappear, it is a way of life in this virtual world.  People that I have gone back and forth with just like you and I and then I never hear from them again.  That is why the frequency of your messages never even crosses my mind. I respond always to messages, comments and e-mails.  I want to support as much as I can, but beyond that, I have things that occupy my time and mind.  That said, I enjoy our interactions and am happy to respond.”

My point was that I am frankly numb now to friends disappearing.  I was being honest, something that I hope comes though here and wherever I post or write something.  One thing that is important to managing our feelings is to be self-aware, honest with ourselves and others.

I haven’t heard from her since.  I feel bad, but would feel worse if I wasn’t honest.  I don’t sit around and hope so and so e-mails me.  I have responsibilities, obligations, worries, bills to pay, a wife and children, other interests, non-CD friends, on and on.  Wonderful CD/TG relationships in the real world, that I cherished and remember fondly are now gone, all for good reason.  I had a GG friend with whom I attended many concerts and weddings, gone.  I have talked about my [former] church frequently, friends and relationships, gone.  I have had quite a few ladies I had e-mail back-and-forths with, gone.  I could probably list at least 30 people with whom I have had friendships and/or relationships with, all gone or greatly diminished.  I have had long, very nice telephone conversations with many, agreeing to get together at some time.  It simply never happens and I often never hear from them again.  It is who we are, I guess.  Maybe it’s me, which is certainly possible.

I am who I am, I am what I am, but if nothing else, I am up-front and honest.  I hope that comes though here.

PS, this post was written a few weeks ago [actually many months ago].  My friend since e-mailed me.  Made me happy.  But the frequency of contact has fallen off significantly.

I believe that this also happens because my need to separate me from Kandi makes it difficult to be completely “real” with everyone. So many things factor in. I was happy that the first time I ran this post, many commented that they had similar experiences.

4 thoughts on “The Fragility of Connections (With Others Like Me)

  1. Hi Kandi,
    That you re-post some of your essays is a very good (in my view) strategic and communicative approach to your excellent blog content. It is strategic in the sense that it, obviously, relieves you of having to make time and take energy to write a new post on some days. It is a good communicative approach in the sense that all (again in my view) of the essays that you re-post contain very thoughtful, well written, and influential content. Your re-posted essays, in particular, make me think, consider, and evaluate my own experiences and views.

    Your exploration and discussion of the nature of human relationships in “The Fragility Of Connections (With Others Like Me)” is spot on, clear, and really worth thinking about. So many things in life are complex, challenging, and downright difficult. Relationships with people are certainly one of the very complex arenas of life. I try to be honest with people as my first line of engagement with supportive coming closely after that. I believe that support without honesty is a hollow thing, while honesty without support can be heartless.

    Your post reaches many people. I believe that many, myself being one, feel a sense of connectedness to you becuse of your writings. Whether or not all who are touched by your writing contact you regularly, or ever, I am sure that they continue to think about the ideas and issues you address.

    Thank you very much for your well considered thoughts. The sun is shining. Enjoy the day.

    Marissa in Ohio

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kandi I think we can all relate to this and while I’ve not made many friends either here or at the CD forum site I’ve found that indeed our lives are complex.
    Me personally would love to have a GF of sorts locally to just be me with and do things together. I have very few friends outside of my job and while all at my job know I’m trans we just don’t hang out.
    So I just keep hoping I can find just one close friend to talk to and be around but for now I find just reading here and the occasional comments and yes even contributions will have to do for now.
    Thanks for all you do here
    Blessings Rach


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