We Make Our Own Reality

It’s Saturday, so……..

I peruse many of the CD web sites, always looking to learn, feel connected.  A common theme I run across is the wish that society were more accepting or “gee, I wish it were possible for me to go out”.  The absolute truth of the matter is that we are our own worst enemy.  Now please bear in mind, personal circumstances are always a factor, as we’ve discussed recently.  An unapproving spouse or not wanting the children to know, certainly valid impediments to getting out.  So allow me to set those aside as we all have issues in our lives that constrict us from doing many things we might wish to do.  I’d go to a concert every day of my life, however, responsibilities, my relationship with my wife and financial resources preclude me from doing this.

I have been out, in public, fooling no one, 76 times this year alone (so far)!  [This was written some time ago.] Yes, I do photograph well, so you may get the impression I “pass”.  I do not.  Photography is misleading.  Poses allow illusion.  A still photo does not show movement, which differs greatly between men and women.  You can tell from the pictures I post, I look much better from a distance than close up.

I am tall for a woman, especially in heels.  I am reminded of that when working with many of the ladies at my volunteer gigs, lording over them like Godzilla.  I am generally in a squat position when receiving hugs.

I’ve been to restaurants, museums, stores, malls, casinos, concerts, parks, Walmarts, grocery stores, ladies rooms, bridal salons, public events, churches, theaters, flea markets, movies, charity events, fundraisers, parties and on and on.  No one gave me a free pass.  I do so smartly, appropriately and highly confidently.  I am not special or gifted.  I struggled mightily with this all for almost 50 years.   I do not say this casually.

I too had these thoughts and feelings, but I finally took control of this part of my life.  It’s funny how age, experience, change your life view.  I went out, not to CD friendly restaurants, but to restaurants.  Not to CD friendly stores, but to stores.  You get the point.  As long as you are smart and vigilant, which the world now requires regardless of your attire, there are no excuses.  In a world where our children cannot even go to school without fear, what do we really have to be afraid of?  Certainly no more than them.  There are only excuses.  Time and again we have heard from others who get out with no issues.  A recent comment from Gabrielle drove this home for me (and made me feel valued!).

If you simply are not comfortable, then you should not go out.  But don’t blame the world, it’s all in your head.  People, not institutions, not organizations, not political parties, not religions, people, are very good, very accepting.  Connect with people and be who God made you to be!


14 thoughts on “We Make Our Own Reality

  1. Kandi,

    Again wonderful advise. I know many are torn between presenting well (and being pretty) – perhaps receiving a little recognition as a woman and not wanting to attract attention. Best advise is to blend in to the and then taking a page from your (Kandi’s) book by trying on three Wedding Gowns that I picked out last night. Marie Anne


  2. I have an unsupportive wife, to the extent that I am hiding everything about my dressing from her. I don’t like it, but I do it to keep my marriage stable and happy. So I don’t get out as often as you, Kandi, but I have learned to enjoy the times when I do. Just this week I had a day off after a morning doctor appointment. I did a short workout in a sports bra, tank top, and leggings, then put on a sleeveless dark purple top and a short lavender skirt with flat sandals. I went shopping at multiple places, bought more shoes and clothes, trying them on in the ladies’ changing room, and never had any problems with my presentation. Now I wonder what I was so afraid of!


    1. Thank you Tina! Just another example of getting out in the world. Certainly personal circumstances dictate when and how often we can get out, but the world itself is more accepting than we all would believe. I had the same fears myself for a very long time. Life certainly requires compromises, doesn’t it?


  3. Thanks Kandi for your comments and your clarity. I was getting gas the other day in a very Rural area. I got whistled at! What a compliment for a guy in a skirt and blouse!


  4. Another great post. There is nothing to fear but fear itself and no one to blame but yourself. We all have circumstances that we deal with and you have done quite well. I agree that for the most part people are good and accepting and those who blame religion or politics or whatever for crimping their lives are really just looking to transfer blame where it really does not belong.
    This weekend we will be away for several days. My son is getting married. He is gay and this will be a pretty big wedding but he and his partner have been very well accepted by one and all. I admire his courage and love him with every ounce of my being.


  5. Earlier this month I met Kandi when I travelled to Cleveland to compete in two national Triathlons. Kandi posted twice about our two days out (two dinners out and a day at the very crowded Rock and Roll Hall of Fame).

    I can attest that Kandi creates her own reality, being open, out and proud about it. She presents well, but passes? No. Neither do I, for that matter. I just hope that I get the benefit of the doubt (if someone looks, maybe yes, maybe no?).

    Two years ago I was unwilling to even write posts on a popular CD forum site, for fear of somehow someone finding my secret. It was a big step to even post a picture of Dee on the website.

    Five months later I screwed up the courage to get my nails done, get a makeover at Sephora, try on dresses at Nordstorm, and buy a wig dressed.

    I expected torches and pitchforks.

    What actually happened blew me away.

    From the nail tech at Beauty Brands (thank you Cailee), to the MUAs at Sephora (Zach and Julie), to the Sales Angels at Nordstrom (Diamond and Falon), and the consultant at the wig store, I found acceptance and encouragement. I still find the same acceptance and encouragement today.

    Fast forward the two years; I’ve been out both locally (and on trips to other cities) over 50 times. From being afraid to even post a picture on a private board, I was excited to have my pictures posted on this blog!

    Yes, everyone’s experience is different, but I found my greatest obstacle was my fear–and my fears have not come true even once.

    So when Kandi writes about getting out, and getting past your fears, I echo her thoughts 1,000%.


    1. Dee, thank you for being my friend! Thank you for the support and thank you for being witness briefly to my experiences. I want to keep blazing that trail for our sisters, making it just a little better for another sister every time we plant positive images in the minds of the general public. I cannot wait until we can do that again!!


  6. Hi Kandi

    You really hit it to the nail. We make our own reality and we fear our own selves however if not for folks like you in the forefront we all may be lost. As mentioned previously, I’ve been crossdressing for over 50+ years and it was only last year that I got the courage to go out in public. I made the decision to go out after years of reading (thanks to the internet) from “girls” like you and others having all the fun. I certainly cannot pass as my face is a rugged as an ape and nor do I have the expertise and time to try to beautify it. Since adventuring out on day 1, I’ve always gone out as a guy in a blouse, skirt, heels and sometimes with stockings on and dressing decently and appropriately. I always admire women who like to dress and showcase themselves and I try to copy them (whether its just going to the grocery or going for a nice dinner). At the beginning I was very conscious of how I will be perceived but the more I go out the more I feel comfortable and the more I’m enjoying my new found freedom. I still have a lot to go as you mentioned we make our own realities but there’s no stopping me now. I have not had a negative comment yet and the worst experience was an old man who saw me get into my car after a good walk around town and stared at me till I left the parking lot.
    I’ve learned a lot from all of you “girls” and I thank you for leading the way. My next step is to create a journal of my experiences just like what you’ve done (once I figure out how to create one on the web).



    1. Gabby, how very sweet of you! It’s comments like this (which I am posting about shortly) that make all the difference! I am so happy every time another lady tells me about an outing and confirms for me, no issues. Keep on being you!


  7. Kandi you are most definitely proof that you can get out there without much of a problem.
    Being more on the T side of things as a non binary mostly fem person even I get it that I can confuse some, in fact today I’m at the airport getting a Starbucks and the cashier says anything else sir, than went oh I’m sorry. I told him not to worry about it.

    Now mind you I’m presenting with my own hair but full makeup and all. It was really a pleasant interaction and I
    Just owned it and told no worries.
    It felt good as soon as he saw my face he knew he mis gendered


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