Kandi’s Mailbag

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I have edited an email sent from a friend here.

My motivation for expressing is seemingly different then yours.  Mine is definitely driven by a strong feminine component.  I do well in containing that pink fog and I always roll back around to the view point I’m a big jack ass for feeling feminine in the first place.  It’s really been awful to be at war with yourself.  Fortunately I’m not at war but I’m in a truce and I’m trying to figure the appropriate surrender terms so I can harmoniously enjoy all of me.  I know I will get there.  Have you deliberately said no I’m not going to do this today or a week?  Essentially a CD fast. 

You have to understand what this was is what you are going through, only worse because I rarely had outlets for it to ease the anxiety it creates.  You at least have the internet persona that helps.  I never did that.  Once all of the mental distractions that allowed me to function most of my life (my profession, kids, etc.) were gone, it consumed me.  At that point, I allowed it to become what it is, joyful.  Frankly, I had no choice as it would have affected me negatively otherwise.  I know this will sound stupid, but I have no gender issues.  I am a man, and am happy for that.  BUT, I love being a woman, whether that is in my mind for the day as I think through possible future outfits or a day spent in a dress, I seem to be both.

I never really feel “feminine”, more like “pretty” I guess.  I love my male side, but also love a female presentation and all that goes with it as I make my way out in the world.  Also I enjoy the ability to allow my feelings to show, as we all know men have trouble doing.

Recently I challenged myself to a 16.5 mile trail race in what has turned out to be terrible weather.  It rained all week so the trail was wet (very wet) and it was cold as well.  I’d rather do that then wear a dress, but that has its limits too as I train to get better and better.  Gender balance, I guess.

No CD fasting here.  I don’t dress when it’s not a good time (like this past Easter weekend, no Kandi for about 2 weeks) and I no longer feel stress from it.  Since this all has become part of my life, it’s like anything else in my life I do or don’t do for a period of time.  To me, fasting from something is done because of a negative outcome, like putting on too much weight or drinking too much.  Kandi is me and I am her and I am hurting absolutely no one and am in fact benefiting others, so I don’t put myself through that anymore.  Honestly, I wish I could be more open about her, but the downside risk still outweighs any upside, so I blog away as a means of expressing myself.

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2 thoughts on “Kandi’s Mailbag

  1. Very well said. I like to feel pretty and I enjoy all there is to being a cross dresser. I would not want to stay away from dressing for an extended time.
    I am curious as to your running career. I seem to think that you said that before you found and made peace with Kandi that you were overweight. Did you run competitively in your youth? How long did you abstain from regular running? Were you a talented runner in days of yore or did your new found running passion gel with your new found passion for Kandi? Inquiring minds want to know.
    Pat

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    1. My running “career” is coterminous with my self-acceptance and the birth of Kandi. Neither exist without the other. I run to stay in shape and look good in a dress, as well as a competitive outlet. I am able to run because of Kandi, as her void was previously filled with food, drink, etc…

      Like

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